Had an injury, tell us about it.
Lets face it, doing what we do, its gona happen, sooner or later youre gona crock yourself and worst case scenario you find yourself fast tracking through triage at your local A&E.That said if you want to pay a visit to the cutting edge of the NHS you could do a lot worse than crocking yourself in Fort Bill, sunny Scotland, threatened with closure it is relying on idiots like us to keep up their stats and their doors open, so do your bit for the local economy, go hurt yourself and play your part and increase the bed occupancy.
We manage to get ourselves into all sorts of great places, mostly out in the wilds cos thats were its at, we run, cycle, kayak, walk, climb, pot hole, fly kites, snow board, ski and even jump off mountains and probably a few more things besides, like drinking beer and if ever there was potential to hurt yourself its when you are beered up. You may think you are indestructible and most of the time you may well be right but with eight pints of witches tit flowing through your veins your judgement is going to be somewhat impaired, the impossible becomes possible, the unlikely, likely, that rapid that has you quaking in your tevas, easy, a mere ripple, in fact why wait till tomorrow, go do it now, its a full moon, daylight paddling is so last year, although we know of one river god that almost bought it on number 10 on the Zambezi, loosing his blades at number 9 (they blew into the water) he went on to hand paddle number 10 a relatively straight forward rapid, big mistake, the heinous beating he took lives with him to this day and that was sober.
The list of injuries sported by our number is growing ever longer but stands quite impressive, 4 people have dislocated their shoulders a total of 16 times between them with one laying claim to 9 of those, cuts, bruises, bangs and knocks too many to mention, although Sarahs scalpel in the back of the hand is always worth recalling, shin splints, torn muscles, black eyes, nerve damage, both physical and mental, broken heels, fingers, knees and a whole host of other stuff.With all of this going on its a miracle we actually get to do anything.
Running – sick and wrong, you pretty much deserve to get injured
Swimming stay in the boat dummy, see running
Boating dislocation, concussion, bangs, knocks, cuts, all to be avoided, get yourself a big boat, knock a grade off the river and when its gets a bit turbulent go down below, batten down the hatches and make yourself a cuppa.
Biking If God had meant us to walk everywhere he wouldnt have invented the wheel, then some bright spark attached on at either end of a metal frame and called it the pushbike, thankfully we have come a long way from the penny farthing, fall off ones of those bad boys and theres a 2 second freefall before the pain starts.
Boarding a whole host of injuries awaits, knees, wrists, shoulder, take the lower and safer option of sledging, closer to the groundless distance to fall, you may think so, however red leader took pain to new heights earlier this year laying herself low with broken bones from a simple sledging incident.
Climbing and pot holing well lump in together as they both involve ropes karabiners and rocks injury potential enormous , have you read any of Joe Simpsons books, not for the faint hearted, pound for pound if you want to hurt yourself you could do worse than take this up, huge potential for injury but claw back some of that valuable tax money, youve put in so its only right you should take out.
Flying do you spend hours preening your plumage, are you a Norwegian blue, my guess would be no on both counts, so do us all a favour and keep your ass as near to the ground as possible, scientists have proven, come to that so have we on occasion, that pain and injury is directly proportional to your altitude relative to mother earth, the higher they come the harder they fall, you get the picture.
Falling off falling off stuff is a piece of cake, so are the next few seconds, the sudden stop, thats the problem, thats when the pain and hurt start.
Draw yourself a time line
Fall Stop
The longer the line, the more pain coming your way, factor in some speed and oh boy is this gona hurt, falling off your R1 at 130mph, easy, taking out the lamppost, tree , wall is when the trouble begins.
Now we wouldnt advocate sitting at home wrapping yourself in cotton wool and doing the house work, have you seen how many accidents happen in the home, 100% of all household accidents happen in the house, proven, so as Driller says, go out, do stuff, and stop 100% of accidents.
So far we have looked at the sport itself as the cause of injury but getting to and from your chosen sporting event can cause just as much pain and sorrow.You need to focus on your mode of transport, this could be a factor in whether you get to undertake your days activity.
Drive with Special K and you may find your nerves in tatters, your stomach still on the A66 (you can collect it on the way back ( or have your will to see your next birthday stronger than you ever could have imagined, the phrase drive it like you stole it was written for this boy) editors note, I travelled with the special one yesterday and to be fair he gave me the car key without question, only on the short drive from get out to get in on the tees was I reminded that he really does scare me that much when behind the wheel.
Travel with Tickle and you could end up with any one of a number of items that he keeps in his van launching themselves in your direction, he claims he drives the van for work but we know better, its to transport that bit of kitjust in case he needs it.
Travel with X Pres or Roy, dont worry your in safe hands, no sporting injures here, you wont arrive, youll have run out of fuel way before you reach your destination.
And all of this is without the pain and suffering you can inflict on your wallet and bank balance, credit cards were invented to be used and abused but sooner or later your gona have to pay, we recommend later, ask our financial wizard Lyndon for up to date financial advice.
The other factor you need to consider is who you undertake any of these activities with, your choice of buddy could be directly proportional to the pain and suffering you are about to endure, sometimes things just get taken out of your hands, I nearly broke a load of Lews ribs with a not so carefully navigated Jefe in Italy and Driller once dropped me off the Leeds wall whilst belaying me, having been distracted by a wench on the route next door.
Just dont ask us whether something potentially dangerous is a good idea, if theres a picture to be had or an article in the making were gona say sure, great idea, no problem, youll be fine, can you just wait one moment whilst I get my camera.Remember its not how hard something is, its how good the story and pictures will be thats important.
Here are some pictures of injuries we have known
Jack at Chicksands last year, we arrive early and are warming up on the North Shore when Jack misses a line and endoes over the bars landing in front of me with a thud, instant bloodbath, initially he seems ok, bar the obvious gaping wounds, as I start cleaning him up he begins to repeat himself, this is scary, I realise all is not well and get an ambulance double quick, I arrive at hospital some time later to find he has been shunted into a cubicle and forgotten about, I go find a nurse and tell them look hes just landed on his head and he really isnt making much sense to be fair to them the nurses acted immediately and got their act together monitoring him, concussion, its not big and its certainly not clever, watch out for the signs.
Practising jumps in the bike park in Whistler, I messed up, landed rear wheel first followed by me, it hurt, a lot, elbow pads would have saved considerable amounts of pain, wear em.
Years of motor biking compounded by mountain biking and kayaking took their toll with Carpul Tunnel ops earlier this year
The Treweryn, shallow ditch that it is deals out more than its fair share of injuries every season, the good Dr here shows a prime example of graveyard thuggery.
The Wolfs Gorge in Austria bit the Royster back last year, this small deep puncture wound caused trouble 12 months later when it opened up and started bleeding all over again.
Off piste skiing, when it all goes wrong the consequences can be huge, Kira got caught up in a sow slide slammed into the trees and some serious downtime in the Hospital in Vancouver
This is the stuff that came out of her back 18 months later.
